wildcelticrose.net

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Crazy is the word of the week.

After the epic adventure of racing with the Ironmen in my first Olympic distance triathlon in Moses Lake this weekend,

My swim picture cracks me up, It look like I’m thinking…

“OMG WTF, I just swam a mile, got kicked in the head, inhaled lake water twice and now you want me to do WHAT?”

Oh wait… That IS what I was thinking…

I’m off on a new adventure, one that will involve serious risk to my life, limbs, digits and skin. Mostly skin…

The Icky Boy and I are embarking on a month of “trial cohabitation”. Cohabitation is never easy when one has lived alone as long as we both have and I’m extremely twitchy.

We’ve known each other going on four years now, and our first camping trip was a year ago next month.

Trying to maintain two separate households is a giant pain in the butt and I’ll have more time for everything I’m neglecting now if we do this.

Oh, but the icky boy is not the threat.

It’s the BadKitty.

I am moving her today after work. She hates Hates HATES the cat carrier (and she’s big and it’s not so big) even though it will only be a five minute drive, it will be dangerous for me to get her in it (I’m thinking of wearing a down jacket and oven mits), and traumatic for both of us. She will scream and cry pathetically the entire time.

But it will be better for her. She’ll have the run of the house, except for an hour or so every evening when SweetKitty is in (both cats are known for beating the crap out of other creatures and we will introduce them slowly and carefully)

Tom is around the house a lot more than I am, he works from home and she will be happy to have someone around instead of being alone all day in my crappy little apartment.

She will have more room to run and places to watch birds from (I plan on putting a bird feeder outside the kitchen window so that she can watch birds; she loves watching birds)

And now, I’ve got to get back to work and then get out of here to take care of this crazy stuff.

Wish me luck.

There will be photos later of my wounds and perhaps video of the BadKitty yelling in the truck.

~L

Mood: Busy

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I am quite happy with the service I got from SpeedyGlass

I arrived for my appointment just before 10:30 AM laptop and latte in hand prepared to wait for an hour.

They took the truck in right away and had it done by 11:00 AM. (picture posted via cell phone earlier today)

Before I could even get home to email the woman who took care of me after the fiasco with the installer on Wednesday to thank her, she called me on my cell phone to make sure that I was satisfied.

They get an A+ for customer service.

I was finally able to install my Good to Go transponder so that I won’t have to get in the cash lane when crossing the Eastbound Narrows Bridge.

Here it is with the shield on it. The carpool lanes on Hwy 167 can be driven on as a single occupancy vehicle for a toll charge, but you need to put the shield up if you are driving with two or more people in your vehicle so that you don’t get charged. (the whole thing seems dumb to me and I normally avoid 167, but one never knows…)

Interestingly enough, the Narrows Bridge has been in the news twice this week.

Once, for a guy that jumped off and was the first suicide jumper on the new span.

According to today’s Tacoma News Tribune, he was a fugitive child rapist.

Good Riddance! I hope the fish and (world’s largest) Gaint Pacific Octopi get a good feast out of his bloated carcass. And thank goodness we taxpayers won’t be having to pay for his trial, room and board. Wouldn’t it be nice if all child molesters just jumped off a bridge?

And then there was the bozo that got arrested for shooting 3/8”steel ball bearings at the toll booths with a slingshot because he was pissed off for getting fined for not paying the toll.

Yeah, buddy. None of us like paying a toll, but that doesn’t give us the right to shoot out the windows of a toll booth and endanger the employee inside.

In other news…

My magazine and check arrived today. I got three full pages including photos (with some different photos in the online version), that’s some good column space!

Now I need to go swim, stop by the bank and get something extra nice to cook for dinner.

I already got a nice bottle of Twisted Zin Old Vine Zinfandel.

The Icky Boy is going to do the Grand Canyon trip solo (he’s always done it that way before) since I decided that I wasn’t healthy and in good enough shape to go after all the stress with my mom, and he’s leaving tomorrow.

I’ll miss him, but it will be nice to have some “me” time and “girl” time (I even bought a couple of chick flicks today). It’s not always easy to juggle a full time job, a part time job (the writing and photography gig), training for triathlons, playing the fiddle and other interests with a relationship. (even a good one that I’m very happy with)

~L

Mood: content

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My mother’s surgery has been scheduled for tomorrow.

They wanted another day to let the Heparin clear out of her system. It’s good to have blood that is capable of clotting when one is about to undergo surgery.

I appreciate all the thoughts, good wishes, magic, energy, candles and prayers from whatever sources and traditions they come from. (it’s all good “juice” from the same source to me)

*just a note on such things.

Although you are all free to send/pray for whatever you want, those in my realm of spirituality often hold a belief that “best possible outcome” is a better idea than violating someone’s free will and wishes.

For example, praying for someone who wants to die, to live… (it’s a good idea on paper, but perhaps not so much in practice)

When I was a paramedic I often had to transport old, sick and dying people from extended care facilities to the emergency room.

I’ve had them literally beg me to let them die because they were tired and in pain. You want to see real tragedy? Watch a person being artificially kept alive and stuffed out of sight/out of mind in a nursing home and subjected to painful and degrading procedure after procedure when they are tired, in pain and want to just be let go with dignity (and depending on their beliefs to go to heaven or to be with their departed loved ones).

Let me tell you, after that experience I don’t want to be kept alive if I’m in that condition and I promised my mother that I wouldn’t force it on her (I may have issues with her, but I made a promise and I intend to keep it)

This surgery carries a 20-30% risk of mortality for her; maybe less if she’s a day stronger, maybe more if she really wants to die. (which is what I suspect)

The point is, you can’t make someone want to live.

A lot of bad things can happen in surgery that don’t outright kill a person, but damage their brain, kidneys, etc….

In a perfect world, the surgery would go well, she wouldn’t lose her leg or die of sepsis, they would then address the heart issues, including the implanted pacemaker and put her on a plan to manage her diabetes.

In this perfect world, she would then start to feel better, follow doctor’s orders and live out the rest of her years in peace.

This is not a perfect world and the reality is not so rosy (or even likely)

For those who think I should rush down there right now against her wishes.

I appreciate your thoughts and the fact that you care.

But you don’t know enough about us or our situation to determine what is best. (and the stuff you see in the movies about grand reconciliations on deathbeds and “happily ever after” even into the afterlife; doesn’t generally happen)

The fact is that she is so damaged from her upbringing and I am so damaged from mine, that we don’t have a normal mother-daughter relationship. We’ve tried, but the bonds never formed quite right (they didn’t for she and her mother either).

These things can not be forced and my trying to rush down there against her will and “fix” things will do more harm that good. She’ll be stressed, I’ll be stressed… (and providing she survives this, she’ll never tell me the truth again because I broke a promise)

We have accepted the way things are for some time now and work with what we have.

Some of us find more healing and peace with chosen family than blood family.

You don’t have to agree with any of this, but I do ask that you please respect my feelings and don’t start a debate, fight, disagreement or try to sway me to your way of thinking.

I already feel guilty and like crap for a number of reasons that I won’t go into here.

I’m an emotional mess and am having physical symptoms as well. I can’t sleep properly even with Ambien, my back and neck are knotted up and painful and I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with some sort of cold/flu bug.

To be a bit selfish here, between that and the childhood trauma this has unleashed which I will make a counseling appointment for) I just don’t need to be argued with or given any crap by anyone right now.

For those who have continued to give your unwavering love and support without judgment, thank you.

~L

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I thought that the “come to jesus” talk I had with my Mom on Saturday did some good. (I was gentle, but frank)

I can’t make her want to live, I have never been able to get her to take care of herself (she’s a clinically depressed, alcoholic), but I at least thought I had her convinced to cooperate and get well, so that she can die on her own terms later on rather than now in the hospital or of blood poisoning/sepsis in her crappy mobile home if she signs herself out of the hospital AMA, (against medical advice) although, I’m not certain she could walk out of there on her own power and call a cab.

This morning’s (really awful) conversation pretty much killed that little bit of hope I was hanging on to.

I left a message at the nurses station to have her primary care physician call me and give me the lowdown (I’m pretty sure what I know what it is, but can’t trust her to tell me how bad it really is). I’ve waited until now because last week was all about testing and why harasses a doctor that doesn’t know anything yet?

I will start the conversation with, “I was a paramedic for 13 years and am certified in Advanced Cardiac Life Support (not even all physicians are) so don’t sugar coat it, beat around the bush or talk down to me.” (translation-don’t make me come down there and get in your face, it won’t work out well for you)

So I’m worried, stressed, have all the childhood trauma coming back and feel guilty for thinking of myself at all. (oh, never mind that I’m worried about job cuts at work which we won’t know about until after the 9th of this month)

I’m trying to cope by “compartmentalizing” my life.

I know that after I talk to my mom, I’m completely wrecked for at least two hours, so I need to schedule those calls for when I don’t have to be productive right after.

I know that I need a small amount of time in which to blog/talk about it and then stop. (I just can’t be dwelling on this shit)

I know that the best thing I can do for myself right now, is to get sleep (not as easy as it sounds) and exercise.

I’ve been good about the exercise.

Thursday, I swam.

Friday, I ran and then went on a bike ride.

Saturday, I swam and then ran

Sunday, I took a rest day (required when one, particularly a triathlete/multi-sport athlete is training hard-my legs were complaining) and went in to work to catch up a bit.

Today, I went on a 22 mile bike ride with the Wheelmen. I had to let Joyce, the ride leader know that if I got a phone call, I might suddenly drop out of the ride and not to worry, which of course lead a few people to want to talk to me about the situation.

If nothing else, all of this stress is going to give me a nice, tight ass and one hell of a cardio-vascular system.

I was to the point where I was considering going into therapy because I wasn’t sure if the depression, anxiety and childhood trauma (this is really bringing back my abusive childhood and the fact that my mother was too messed up to protect herself or me.) this whole thing has created was normal or not. But I was able to talk (albeit briefly) about it with a couple folks on today’s ride without crying or otherwise losing it. That’s a huge improvement over just a few days ago.

As long as I sleep and exercise, I seem to be able to cope and function, and time seems to be making it easier, so I won’t further stress myself by making appointments for therapy right now. I’m sure I’ll need it later.

My fiddle teacher emailed and she has an opening for lessons here in Tacoma (no stressing out about driving to Olympia during rush hour after working a ten hour shift) so I’m removing the “hold” on lessons.

I’ve applied for a loan out of my retirement account to cover travel expenses when I need to go down to SoCal to deal with mom, so finances, although always tight won’t be dire, and I can do things that are good for me.

Sadly, I’ve had to back out of volunteering for Wintergrass this year. I not only did not get grandfathered into my usual job/schedule this year (as has always been policy, especially for a long term volunteer like myself) but got scheduled for a high stress job (my day job is stressful enough) and days that don’t work for me.

I need to save my leave from work because I KNOW I’m going to have to go down to SoCal. Those 20 hours (2 days) leave I was going to take for Wintergrass, along with a four day weekend, may keep me from having to cancel cancel the Grand Canyon trip with the icky boy at the end of March/early April.

I feel guilty for even thinking about “vacation” but it’s not just me that would be affected. Yes, he’ll go without me (and have twice as much food and wine from what’s in the cache which he can send back down the river) as he normally does a Grand Canyon trip solo every year. But it’s a big deal to him to have me coming with him. He would never pressure me; he would not be upset with me if I had to cancel because of my mom, but he’s been so wonderful and supportive, I don’t want to let him down. (oh, and I’ve never had two weeks off in my life)

Here’s today’s ride.

(if you are viewing this on LiveJournal or via RSS feed where the map doesn’t show properly, just click the link that says “view larger map”.)

View Larger Map

That’s it for now…

~L

Mood: Tired

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the run

I was waiting for the icky boy this morning and decided that I’d be better of not sitting around and dwelling on things, so I grabbed my Garmin (traded up for the one with a heart monitor; I don’t to HR training, but its’ a GREAT tool for measuring fitness, especially when comparing performance on the same route over time.)

I did a quick run in the park; only 30 minutes. The air quality was terrible as we were under another inversion and the pollution from the tide flats was being held down by nasty, nearly freezing fog.

But I got out and ran and it made me feel better.

(if you’re viewing via LiveJournal or RSS feed, where the map doesn’t show properly, just click on the “view larger map” link)

View Larger Map

I grabbed a quick bite to eat, then went and picked up the Icky Boy to go ride the Foothills Trail (I needed to be above the inversion and out of the bad air)

the ride

We couldn’t get all the way out to South Prairie because part of the trial is still closed due to flood and storm damage. (as it was, we had to ride through some slimy mud and get brown stripes up our backs.) We still got almost 24 miles in (as opposed to the full 30)

(if you’re viewing via LiveJournal or RSS feed, where the map doesn’t show properly, just click on the “view larger map” link)

View Larger Map

He was trying to make friends with the EMU, who hissed and growled at him (pictures already directly posted to my blogs from my cell phone)

When I twittered the pictures, Dale text messaged me saying that he was just loading up to make a fuel delivery to the Safeway in Orting, so we stopped by to see him (and I kicked over one of his safety cones because he goes nuts when people drive over them-I later picked it up for him)

the relationship

I’ve discovered that I’m at my lowest and teariest right after I talk to my mother, so if I allow myself some time between talking to/dealing with her and trying to talk to anyone else, I can do it without crying.

That makes me feel less emotionally out of control and hopefully better company.

I reiterated to the icky boy that I was sorry about being this way; to which he grinned, gently pushed my shoulder and said, “Oh, you’re not THAT bad.”

I also discovered that the best way to let a boyfriend know that you need them and comfort from them in a time of crisis without feeling like you’re being whiny or needy is to come up with a good line.

The one I chose was…

“So, is that offer for a “good Schtupp” still good?

In any event, I got my bike gear unloaded, grabbed some food (couldn’t wait for dinner with the icky boy and needed red meat which he doesn’t eat) and took a nice hot bath with a glass of wine.

I’m getting ready to head out the door now; guess where I’m going

~L

Mood: Tired in a good wayt

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In lieu of WTF Wednesday, I have to get THIS off my chest.

This is a general statement for anyone who cares about the people in their life.

If you want relationships with your family members and friends, then you OWE it to them to take care of yourself as best you can.

Why should someone invest time and energy into caring and worrying about you if you are going to behave in a self destructive manner when all it’s going to do is hurt them and stress them out?

Abusing substances?
Refusing to follow doctor’s orders?
Not taking your medications?
Refusing to get any exercise at all?
Smoking?
Eating copious amounts of things that are terrible for you to excess on a regular basis?
Refusing to get help for depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD and other disorders?

The list goes on.

My point is, these things do not ONLY affect YOU. (unless of course you are a hermit and want to be left the hell alone; in which case, have at it)

They affect those who love you. (you know, those folks you claim to care about?)

They affect those who are orphaned, widowed or who lose a best friend, lover or partner too early…

They affect those who are left behind feeling guilty for not doing more to help you make better choices, take your meds, follow doctors orders, get help, etc…

They affect those you take it out on when your “mood” is off because you’re off balance…

They affect those you LIE to…

You HURT other people, not only for a short time, sometimes for a lifetime.

If you love and care about other people you owe it to them to at least TRY to take care of yourself.

I’m not asking/expecting that people be perfect; I’m just stating that out of respect for those they claim to love and care about, they should at least make an honest effort.

There are no guarantees in this world; any one of us can be taken from it at any time and some people do get bad breaks. Life isn’t fair; I of all people will never try to tell you it is.

But wasting the time/life/body you are given and hurting others in the process is not right.

If I’ve pissed anyone off here, I’d recommend taking a good hard look at who you’re really pissed off at and why.

*I know a lot of people feel this pain on a daily basis and would expect they may appreciate this venting on their behalf, for this reason, I’m not disabling comments.

~L

In the off chance that anyone is still reading, here’s what triggered this little rant…

I got a call from my Mom (who has a long history of health problems almost all of them self inflicted by lifestyle choices) last night saying that she was being admitted to the hospital today. (they almost didn’t let her go home to take care of her cat last night and said they would come get her if she didn’t show up as expected today)

She claims that they don’t know what’s wrong and she has no idea how long she’ll be there. When she went home to take care of her cat (who will be boarded) they tried to get her to stay and admit her right then, and told her that if she didn’t go into the hospital immediately, last night, that she might “go to sleep and not wake up”. (her response, “That might be for the best.”)

I’m sure they were just trying to scare her into doing the right thing because she refuses to listen to the doctors or take reasonable care of herself. She also refuses to be honest with those who love her.

She strictly forbade me from coming down (not that I’d listen to that sort of thing, but I can’t afford to go down to SoCal right now but am looking into getting an emergency loan out of my retirement fund in case it’s necessary)

She doesn’t want anyone in her place because she says things are laying all over the floor because she can’t pick things up when she drops them and has fallen down a lot. (of course this means that when she is released from the hospital she can’t live on her own anymore) She’s also always been a hoarder; I shudder at what her place likely looks like; it was a great source of embarrassment for me growing up.

She also started talking about wills and financial stuff.

I am angry.

I’m angry because all of this is unnecessary. She’s never even made an effort. Not for herself, not for me, not for anyone.

I’m angry that because she’s been in such self imposed ill health for so long, she’s never visited me, we’ve never taken a trip together. We’ve never even taken a walk together.

I’m angry about so many things I missed out on in my childhood and things that happened to me because of other issues that have the same root cause.

I’m angry because I can’t trust her to tell me the truth. I couldn’t trust her to protect me as a child and I can’t trust her as an adult.

I’m angry because this hits all my triggers and brings back all the childhood trauma that I’ve worked so hard for so many years to put in perspective and get over.

I feel guilty for being angry and sad and thinking of myself.

I share this to get it off my chest, and in hopes that maybe, one person will see the pain that I’m in and make at least one tiny change in their own life for someone they love.

~L

Mood: sad, angry and guilty