wildcelticrose.net

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My apologies to anyone I owe correspondence, well wishes or phone calls to. I’ve been feeling like crap and have had a rough week and a half.

I had high hopes for this weekend to be happy and relaxing.

I really needed it as work has sucked stinky stressed out pond waterbeen [ahem] “challenging” this week, and I’ve been dealing with a series of pounding sinus headaches on the tail of a rather unusually unpleasant menstrual period.

I got off work Friday ready to run some errands while the guys worked on the roof. I approved them starting a day late because they were going to try to finish Friday, Saturday morning at the earliest. No biggie, I wasn’t planning on being home Saturday morning so the noise wouldn’t disturb me.

I stopped by the house to snap a picture and check on the progress. They hadn’t told me that they wanted my gate open (the last job they did, they said they could take care of all the access from the front) They had removed hardware to get the gate to open. I would have much preferred them to tell me that they needed the gate open so that bolts, screws and things aren’t being taken in and out of wood and ending up loose, wobbly and not secure.

Whatever.

Then I noticed that they (employees of a company that promises to protect your landscaping) were tromping through the landscaped part of my front yard to get to the gate instead of using the side walk. This removes the layer of mulch, tears weed cloth and exposes the cardboard in areas where it was used as an underlayment and creates a lot of work. More than one plant was stepped on or had something dragged over it.

It was then that I noticed not one, but TWO of my rose bushes had been flattened by shingles and other items being thrown off the roof.

Now, I’m PISSED. (but I saved it for a polite email to the company asking that they ask their crews to be more careful)

So I get out of there to go run errands, one of which was finding soap making supplies locally so that I could do my first batch this weekend while the weather was yucky instead of waiting for mail order supplies.

My favorite candle supply store down in Lakewood has started carrying soap making supplies. Since I love them, I was excited to head down there.

When I entered the store, the woman who was working behind the counter, snapped at me and said, “Our computer is down.” I realize that she was stressed and was on the phone trying to get it fixed, but she made it quite clear she’d rather I just got the hell out.

Uh, I drove a LONG way at rush hour… I told her “No worries, I’d just browse a bit and see if it comes up”. She did not look amused that I wasn’t leaving. (seriously, WTF? If I had a customer wanting to give me money, I’d POLITELY explain the situation and then try to figure something out for them when the situation was resolved or not)

Finally, I just left. It was not so much that she was trying to work on the problem, but that she was so incredibly pissed off, I just didn’t want to be around her. (I was working very hard on not being pissed off myself)

I stopped by our local natural food market in hopes that they might have some of the oils and butters needed for soap making. I lucked out, and found everything I needed. Cocoa Butter, Coconut Oil, Palm Oil, and Castor Oil (I picked up cheap Olive Oil at Fred Meyer)

It was expensive, but I had sourced it locally and would be able to make a batch this weekend.

Next stop was my neighborhood Ace Hardware for lye which is sold as drain cleaner. Lye (sodium hydroxide) is used in the manufacture of meth so most places won’t carry it any more. I did find it on the Ace website, so I hoped they had it in the store.

Nope… I could order it on line and pick it up at the store, but they won’t keep it in the store.

As they said, “It wouldn’t be so bad if the meth heads just stole the lye, but they steal everything else on the way out.”

Damn meth heads!!! First my Sudafed, (any pharmacist will tell you that the fake stuff is not as good and doesn’t work as well) now my hobbies. They ruin things for everyone. (one of them stole my friend’s car the other day)

Disappointed, I headed to Safeway to pick up my BCP prescription and head home.

The roofers were gone for the day. Ah, peace and quiet.

I went out back to let the chickens out into the yard to eat greens and run around, and discovered Lovey laying in the pen next to the waterer.

Her eyes were half closed, she could not stand, sit upright and could barely move. When I tried to move her, she just rolled over. I was sure she was going to be dead by nightfall, which was not far off.

The first thing I had to do was get her away from the other chickens, Not only so they wouldn’t peck her, but so if she had something infectious, she would not pass it on.

I put her in a box in the basement with some food (which she ate) and some water.

I never really got around to eating dinner nor getting ready for my triathlon the next day. I had things mostly packed so I finally went to bed, way to late to be getting up at 5:30 in the morning.

The next morning, I woke up with a pounding sinus headache and feeling sick so no triathlon for me. I went back to sleep only to be woken up by roofers.

Oh yeah…

That was awesome.

I managed to get the pounding head under control enough to get out of the house to run a series of errands so I was exposed to minimal pounding.

When I got back home, they were gone.

Their equipment was not.

The roof was not done.

Part of it was still tarped.

There was no note or phone call telling me when they’d be back (Oh, joy, more “holiday” weekend filled with banging, generator noise and people killing my plants, how “fun”)

This morning, no one showed up.

I called their phone number and it forwarded to a voicemail box.

I finally used the emergency feature on the website asking when this was going to be finished and expressing my concern over the rain storms on the way.

The owner called me back explaining that the supplier hadn’t delivered all of the supplies and that they can’t get them until Tuesday (oh, when it will still be raining).

Well now I know.

I had to get this all out.

My next blog posts will be about the good things I’ve been doing to make being sick, frustrated and sad over a possibly dying feather child a bit more tolerable.

~L

Mood: Not so Happy

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Ugh…

I decided not to go into work today because the combination of the extremely frigid dry air and all of the people ignoring the burn ban and filling the already yucky air with wood smoke was kiling my sinuses.

I slept for ten hours last night, (thank goodness I decided not to set my alarm last night when I felt so crappy)

I did manage to get over to Molly’s this afternoon for some best friend time and to do my laundry (it was nearly an underwear emergency)

Although I didn’t feel well, it was nice to spend some time with her. Both of our lives have been very busy and stressy lately.

The day went downhill from there.

I went to check my mail and found out that Lou (those who have known me for a long time know him as my beloved “step father in law”) passed away.

Yes, he was “extended” family, but he loved me like blood family and I cried the whole way home.

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel well, it was a tragic and emotionally trying week around here, and I am just coming off my mom’s death but it really hit me hard.

That was my last “parent” (step or otherwise)

As soon as I walked in the door, my phone rang (I let it go to voice mail) and found a message from a friend asking me why I removed her as a moderator from a yahoogroup that I turned over to her over a year ago.

WTF? I don’t have anything to do with the administration of that list anymore; and I only occasionally send an email to it.

I just sent her an email advising her to check with Yahoo. I was not up to playing tech support.

I’m sure she had no idea that I’d just gotten bad news, but that mixed with some other “debate” going on in another real life group I’m a part of didn’t help my mood any.

I let the other (real life) group know what happened, that I don’t have the time or energy to deal with the debate right now, and to just let me know the outcome.

Seriously folks, I don’t feel like being in charge, I don’t feel like arguing/debating/mediating, I don’t feel like being given any crap! (I get enough crap at work[not from management or co-workers-jussayin'], I don’t need it in my off time)

Other people can work out their own “stuff” right now.

I am officially “checking out” from extra responsibility right now. Put a fork in me, I’m done!

I’m sure the world won’t come to an end if I don’t jump in and try to fix everything.

With that said, I have a few girlfriends coming over for girls night tonight.

They are big girls and know how to pour their own wine and they won’t complain if I don’t feel up to cleaning my apartment. (which I don’t)

I can’t think of anything more life affirming right now than spending time with friends.

Oh, I did get a couple of cards in the mail today; here’s the door (holiday cards make me smile and I might as well share something happy)

Mood: Sad

~L

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Yesterday was an overwhelmingly tragic day in Tacoma, as four officers who lost the lives they dedicated to serving and protecting others were laid to rest.

For this reason, I can’t muster up a good rant for WTF Wednesday.

Despite the fact that many, if not most of us are emotionally exhausted from the whole ordeal, there are a lot of emotions flying around.

Sadness, anger, outrage, depression, fear, a need for revenge against the creature who committed this heinous act as well as his dirt bag family who aided and abetted him and disgust at the justice system that allowed him to be on the streets to rape a child and commit these murders rather than protecting society from him.

We’ve already seen the bad that people can do, we’ve seen the worst that humans are capable of, we’ve looked evil in the face.

Yesterday, gave us a different view.

It showed us a glimpse of the legacy these four public servants left. Their communities, homes, families; the lives they saved, the good they did in this world and the wonderful children they left behind.

We saw something else.

We saw not only the local law enforcement community come together; we saw the entire community come together.

Citizens lined the streets of McChord Air Force Base, Lakewood and Tacoma to pay final tribute to the fallen and to show support of the law enforcement, fire, medical and other emergency workers, who joined the procession which was 3,000 strong.

One staff sergeant stood at attention for nearly four hours in sub freezing temperatures, which is how long it took the last car in the procession to make it the 8 miles to the site of the memorial.

We saw two hundred officers from New York, numerous officers from Chicago, Florida, Arizona and all around North America. The Royal Canadian Mounted police, 1,000 strong marched into the dome in their bright red jackets.

Officers from over 360 agencies were there to show support and the community turned out it droves.

Some say it was “too much”. I say, it will never be enough.

This was not pomp and circumstance; this was a statement to the world and to scum who would do such a thing, that we can not be broken and that the lives of these (and any officer) killed in the line of duty were not lost in vain.

As we begin to heal from the horror and pain of this senseless act, what matters the most is where we go from here.

What WE going to do about this?

We need to raise our children to respect the law and those who keep them safe (yes, there are ways to challenge authority, protest and made change that are non-violent and productive)

We need to step up when child abuse, domestic violence and other crimes happen in our neighborhoods and homes report those crimes and get the victims (and the perpetrators) the help they need before things escalate.

We need to demand better mental health care services as so many slip through the cracks.

We need to demand that those deemed dangerous to society are not able to harm innocent victims. If they are mentally ill, then they should be in a high security treatment center; if they are just criminals, they should be locked up not allowed out to cause further harm.

We need to demand that Pierce County no longer be a dumping ground for Level III sex offenders from all over the country just because we are stuck with the McNeil Island Special commitment center.

We need to hold judges and lawmakers accountable for their decisions that harm us all.

We need to educate ourselves on issues and candidates, we need to vote, we need to write letters, we need to work together to be part of the solution.

We need to hold ourselves and those around us accountable for our actions.

What are you going to do about it?

Yesterday was a call to action, it was a demonstration and celebration of the strength of the human spirit, the good within us all and it should empower us to stand up and make change.

To stand up and say “No”!

We will not be broken.

Those officers did not die in vain.

Evil will not win.

~L

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This is the letter I sent to the Ventura County Public Administrator today. (the ongoing situation with my mother’s items being ruined is explained in the letter)

I am beyond angry, but tried to be civil. I’m tired of being nice.

Dear Jeanne,

L. Lisa Lawrence

Mood: Sad, Depressed and Very VERY ANGRY

~L

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I don’t feel like it (or the stress), but I’m going to suck it up and go in to work tomorrow.

It’s apparent that I’m to the depression stage of this whole grieving stuff and I find myself trying to find ways to get out of going places and doing things.

It would be a bad idea to just lay around this apartment so I’m going in. I’ll drive in early in case I decide that I can’t hang and want to go home early.

Even though my job has a lot of stress, the longer I wait to go back and the more behind I am, the worse the stress will be. (that, and I have GL end of month reporting due)

I really don’t know what’s “normal” (as if there is such a thing) in grieving a more typical death of a parent more or less the circumstances leading up to this one.

I do know that I need to resist the urge to retreat

~L

Mood: blah

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In hopes of staving off “you should/you aren’t/you didn’t” from my mother’s friends, I have sent them the following email”

I spoke with Coast City Cremation this morning.

~L

I hope that they respect that, and don’t pressure me to go down there or do other things that they think I should do.

I don’t want to cause them any more pain than they are already feeling, but I want/need my boundaries and decisions respected.

This is already difficult enough.

~L

Mood: sad

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It’s been 14 hours since I was received the notification of my mother’s death.

What an emotional roller coaster that has been (I won’t rehash it, it’s in this morning’s post)

I foolishly went to work this morning thinking I could catch up a bit before going on bereavement leave and that I’d be OK.

Yeah, it was stupid, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do at 4:30 in the morning.

Of course, once calls starting coming in from her neighbors, friends, mobile home park and the medical examiner (the call from the medical examiner really gets one though the denial stage quickly) I immediately realized how stupid it was for me to go in and what a wreck I was.

I made it 4 hours (I work 10 hour shifts) and did get some things accomplished, but when I was done, I was done and couldn’t talk to anyone or answer questions.

Thankfully, I didn’t start getting hit with, “We need to know what to do with her body”, (turning her remains over to a funeral home would be ghastly expensive in addition to upsetting) and, “You need to pay rent on her mobile home space until you decide what to do with it.”

I haven’t even started grieving or processing the issues this has brought out and I’m being driven to bankruptcy.

It’s not just me, this is what the system does to everyone who loses a family member or loved one; pressure them, bleed them dry and upset them even more, sometimes before the body is even cold more or less they’ve had time to grieve.

She has a funeral plot somewhere, but I don’t know where (she was talked into it by a “friend” over 20 years ago) and burials are outrageous.

None of her friends knew either, and you can’t just leave someone laying in the medical examiner’s office.

She told me earlier this year when she was in the hospital that I could do what I wanted with the plot and have her cremated (it’s what she did with her mother)

Of course, I don’t have a thousand dollars laying around.

James Baroni from the Ventura County Medical Examiner’s Office is a truly compassionate person and good at what he does. He put me in touch the Public Administrator’s office who will make arrangements and administer the estate (a few thousand dollars in the bank and her trailer)

I didn’t know that such a thing existed. It takes a huge load off, the fees are reasonable (will be deducted from the estate) and I don’t have to hire an attorney.

I decided on cremation which they will take care of.

I also decided to let them scatter her ashes in the ocean off the coast of Santa Barbara/Ventura.

I think she would like that. She loved the ocean and she considered a human body “just a shell”. She always hated the casket-burial thing.

She had enough in her checking account to cover it (by design, I’m sure) so once I sign the forms, the Public Administrator’s office can pay for it out of her bank account.

At least that bit is taken care of.

He gave me the details of how she was found… *don’t read further if this is the type of thing that upsets you

It was my worst nightmare; she was wearing two nightgowns and adult diapers collapsed in her hallway, not in bed dying peacefully in her sleep or of too much pain medication. The medication bottles found indicate that she did not overdose on pain medication. (for her sake, I wish she had)

I may have had my issues with her and my upbringing, but this was what I hoped wouldn’t happen; it’s the horrible death that I predicted, and wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Post mortem rigor and lividity were fixed meaning that she had been dead at least 8-12 hours from the condition of her body, he suspects a day or two.

Since there was no indication of overdose, and I didn’t feel an autopsy was needed I told the medical examiner that I wasn’t requesting one, but that I wouldn’t block one either.

Her doctor agreed and will sign off on the death certificate.

She lied to me and everyone else about how sick she was, and it was as bad as I suspected. (and as I’ve said before, she did all of this to herself due to her lifestyle choices; it was all preventable)

Per her doctor, “She had chronic congestive heart failure, hypertension, ischemic cardiomyopathy, peripheral vascular disease with venous insufficiency, and type 2 diabetes mellitus. She was extremely non-compliant with her medications.

They also found a mass on one of her kidneys when she was in the hospital that she refused to let them check out.

I’m exhausted (it’s now been 15 hours) and am going to get ready for bed.

I’m going to finish cleaning this place up before it gets too hot tomorrow, walk over to the Icky Boy’s to look in on SweetKitty (he’s still on his backpacking trip) do something physical and spend some time with my best friend (she offered to come over tonight, but I really want 24 hours to just be left alone)

Thank you everyone who has sent messages, as you can well imagine, I’m just not up to responding right now.

~L

Mood: sad

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I grossly over estimated my ability to deal with this and the emotions it has brought forth.

My great ideas of dealing with it by exercise is not happening, I’m physically and emotionally fried.

I don’t know how people do it.

I’m still grieving (along with a host of other emotions) and I’m supposed to pay for cremation or a funeral or something.

And I’m supposed to pay rent on her shit hole trailer.

I can barely pay my own living expenses and I’m expected to do this…

I’m the only child so I’m the executor of an “estate”.

She has a few thousand dollars in the bank and the trailer.

I don’t think she has any debt.

So yes, I could get a small bit of money out of this (or break even)

I don’t want anything.

I don’t want money.

I don’t want any memories of her or my childhood.

I don’t want to go down there.

I don’t want to deal with any of it

~L

Mood: sad

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My mother is pissed at her neighbors, pissed at her friends and pissed at me over the police being called.

They can not legally force entry.

She has had the phone off the hook all day (and who knows, maybe all night)

I appreciate all the suggestions of calling different agencies, it’s been done.

She is a master manipulator and a bald faced lair.

I found out yesterday from her neighbor that when she had the severe edema (swelling for those not up on medical terminology) it was all the way up to her waist (why her heart didn’t stop completely I don’t know) She told the doctor that is “just happened a day or so ago” and never let them see how far up it was.

She knew she was diabetic, and she’d go on crazy crash diets to get her blood sugar down just before her appointments so that her blood sugar would test out OK.

She has a mass on her kidney that she refuses to have looked at (she’s had cancer twice and doesn’t want to go through that kind of treatment again)

She was working in a law office up until she finally went in for surgery.

She is as sharp as a tack, knows that she can not be declared unable to care for or make decisions for herself and that there is no implied consent. (and did I mention that she’s a charmer and manipulative?)

Shes’ not stupid and has brought every bit of this on herself by refusing to take her medications (I begged and pleaded with her to take her blood pressure medication when I was in my 20s as a paramedic telling her how people who don’t have strokes and end up in extended care facilities having their diapers changes and being fed through a tube in their nose)

The only reason she agreed to the surgery earlier this year is because she hoped she’d die on the operating table (she told this to both me and her surgeon)

She won’t go to the doctor or let anyone in to her home because she KNOWS that she will not be allowed to live alone in her filthy (she’s a hoarder) mobile home. She doesn’t want anyone in there and doesn’t want to be put in a home.

I’ve dropped everything and flown/drove out there more times that I can count only to have her return to her self destructive lifestyle. (which is a lot more than should be expected given the abuse I put up with as a child)

I’m not doing it any more.

I can’t make her want to live.

I can’t make her take care of herself.

I can try to not let it make me physically ill again (trust me, this brings back a lot of my childhood/abuse issues) and not end up like her. (and I’m most certainly not going down there, break into her house and potentially have a criminal record that will lose me my job)

Unless she suddenly decides that she has something to live for (not likely) I expect that she will be dead (either intentionally or unintentionally) by this time next week.

It’s what she wants.

~L

Mood: resigned

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Everything else (both at and outside of work) aside.

It was a weird day.

After multiple strange communications; voice mail, email, alerts I asked, “Is it a full moon?”

Sure enough, the full moon is tonight.

We got mooned. (in the most literal sense of the word)

The universe showed us her ass and wiggled it in our faces.

In other less than subtle references to butts, I froze my mine off today.

I’ve been pretty darn distracted over the last few weeks and wasn’t paying attention to the weather forecast.

It’s butt cold out.

I was wishing that I’d paid attention and worn long underwear, a hat and gloves on the train platform this afternoon.

It snowed today (not exactly where I live but around the sound) and it’s forecast to snow here in the wee hours of the morning. That should make for an interesting commute tomorrow.

I got home and realized that I’d forgotten to turn my heater on after I turned it off to use the microwave this morning.

Yeah baby; a freezing apartment on a freezing day after a hard day and freezing my ass off. It doesn’t get much better than that. (uh… yeah… that was sarcasm)

I also realized that I had forgotten to take my Claratin (allgery meds) this morning (yes, some beastly plants are spewing pollen right now) oh, and my birth control pill which also helps with peri
menopause-there’s nothing quite like sleep deprivation, stress, allergies and stupid induced hormonal imbalance.

I ran some errands after work, picked up some nachos, came home and made a margarita (or two)

I am full of nachos and margaritas.

In a few minutes, I will take my Ambien, turn off my phone, take a bath and refuse to look at emails that reference things that make my angry/guilty/dysfunctional.

Something “snapped’ in me after the last lie. (which was so heinous it was sent to me via a third party)

Part of me died and part of me realized that I DO have to take care of myself if I want to be any good to anyone else.

If anyone thinks I’m an asshole for that.

Too damn bad; they have no bloody clue.

~L

Mood: Meh